“That’s it!!” I yelled into the mirror. It was a Tuesday after school and I was in a complete meltdown . Two snarky bitches a year ahead of me had set out about ruining a reputation that I hadn’t even earned yet. They had spread a rumor that I had pierced my nipples.
My best friend in her mature way tried to tell me to calm down and it would blow away. “Blow away Jess? As if my nipples were simply leaves that will blow away? Forget that shit!” Before I could go on ranting my brother barged in. ” there’s a rumor he says.” My heart falls into my ass. My brother the pot smoking class skipper was confronting me. ” I’m telling dad your nipples are pierced.” He stomped away leaving Jess and I to stare silently in his wake.
Before I could pack my bags and try to run away to barbazon school of models I heard my dad calling me….. calling me in his police officer voice. ” Erin get down here.” I walked nervously down the steps. Although I had done nothing wrong I hadn’t exactly shut down the rumors in hopes that my school crush the sensitive Tad Cox might pay attention to me. Perhaps even going as far as to sing a love ballad at open Mic. About me…. I digress. Here I was in front of my smirking brother and 250lb cop father and I was going to have to discuss my fucking nipples. Palm to forehead.
” Dad , before we start I know what this is about.” I Began. I shifted uncomfortably in my jncos and said “you think I got my nipples pierced? But I didnt.” With that my brother began to smirk . I didn’t understand. Feeling as though no one believed me I pulled my shirt tight over my bra to show my nipples were unpierced. My dad quickly turned away with a look on his face I can only call queasy and put up his hand to stop me.
” what the heck are you doing ?” He yelled in a voice so high pitched I didn’t believe it was his. My brother began to bellow in laughter. “what?, what?”I was losing this sick game. “Dad just wanted to find out if you wanted food from subway.” I could not believe I had just basically flashed my dad and it was a joke. It took a few weeks to be able to look my dad in the eye again but I knew it was war and I would get my brother back.
The capt. Of the football team strangely enough began piercing nipples of other sports players at a party not long after. It was almost like it was written in the stars. I approached him as if it was a business deal and asked if he would pierce mine. His trapper keeper quickly covered his crotch and in a mousey squeak he said “I’ll do it tomorrow. Or now or anytime.” I made a deal that I would show up Saturday morning with the correct gage . The trouble now was finding a ride to hot topic. A ride from someone who was 18 so we could purchase body jewlery.
I had no licence and no friends who we’re 18. No friends except for shell Smith a blonde punk rock kid with a penchant for comedy and a penchant for being my brothers best friend. I asked him to pick me up and take me to the Everett mall Saturday for jewelry shopping. This was not odd because I hung out with my brothers friends from time to time. Saturday morning arrived and I met shell outside.
” what kind of jewelry are you looking for?” He asked. With a commanding voice I said ” Shell, I need you to buy me some nipple jewels. I am too young and also have no money. It’s for a good cause. Just trust me. ” Shell was a dumbass guy, charitable but a dumbass. When he heard nipple and jewelry that second brain took over and before I knew it I had two beautiful body jewels. One was a single ball and a thin gage the other was slightly thicker but I mean I knew it will totally work.
An hour later we were at the football players house. Shell, football and me. I sat on the chair and in a shock of pain the first nipple was pierced. It was time for the slightly larger gage. A searing hot pain shot through my nipple and I fell convulsing on the floor. In a panic the guys got me water and helped me onto the couch. The gage was too big for the hole. He forced it through and in return my body decided to have a seizure. During that seizure I also let out a few farts.
Being the intelligent 16 year old that I was I didn’t go to the doctor and surprisingly it healed well despite the seizure gas.. By the time I got back to school Monday everyone including Tad Cox knew about my nipple rings. Not because they were sexy but because now everyone had the image of me with a huge bloody nipple seizing on the floor and letting out farts.
Tad would never sing about me. My reputation would be about my now stretched nipples and worst of all my brother found out.
Here is where we get a bit of poetic justice. I paid for my mistake but he paid for his mean joke. By the time the rumor became true Tyler angrily told my dad hoping to get me in real trouble. My dad not able to even look at a baby bottle anymore refused to believe it or just physically could not survive a repeat of nipplegate and left Tyler to be angry alone. I looked at my brother seething in the living room and uttered my most favorite line ” it’s colder than a witch’s tit in here.” Then I darted up the stairs to safety.
theerinisin 